Cornbread Pyramid

Can you feel it......

2010-08-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

it's gonna happen.

Hail tibutubut

DIBLEY TO THE RESCUE

2009-11-29T13:18:00.000-08:00

C'mon Dwayne. Time to be a hero.

ABOUT TIME TO WHUP DEM DAMN BRONKERS

2009-11-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

Flashback to January 1998.....

Almost 20 years old, I was. In the AFC Championship game, Pittsburgh was.

And so was fucking Denver.

Let's go further back.......

January 1995 - San Diego Beats Pittsburgh in AFC Champ. Shitty.
January 1996 - Dallas beats Pittsburgh in Super Bowl. Shittay.
January 1997 - New England Gaytriots beat Pittsburgh in 2nd round of playoffs.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

So, by 1998 I was sure that things would change. I was sure that Kordell "Sl-gash" Stewart would lead the Steelers to a ring. I was sure that Bill Cowher would stop running 50 trick plays a game.

And I was definitely sure they could beat the damn John Elways.

But they didn't. Stewart played like shit. Cowher spit all over everyone and it was disgusting. Shannon Sharpe ran his horse-ass mouth, and that was that.

By the way, fuck Shannon Sharpe. With a rapier, in his horsey armpit.

Pittsburgh and Denver didn't play again until 2003, and Denver won.
In 2005, Pittsburgh finally got that AFC championship revenge.

In 2006 Denver won.
In 2007, Denver won.

Denver will not win again.

OTHER NEWS

Bruce Lee played a mean ping pong.

Caring

2009-10-24T20:28:00.001-07:00

I often think about the things people care about. About about about.

It reminds me of a bathroom poster poem.

Dome people come into our lives and care about shit.
Dome people want us to care about the same shit too.
Dome people can't understand the apathetic mind.
Dome people want our life love and time.

You see, we need dome people. They pull us in to a place that makes us feel warm.
But you have to question how real that place is. No one wants to be old and lonely.

Or is it - no one wants to be young and lornely?

Chemical reactions? Boom.

Shared struggle? You betcha.

Yes, these are serious things - not to be taken lightly. But when does practicality figure in to the equation? Shit.

Good for you? Bad for me? Who the fuck knows. Steelers 4-2.

Marvin Gaye.

RETIRE? UNRETIRE?

2009-10-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

God, blogging is so pointless. Every time I make a post, I feel like it will surely be the last one. I think I may have run out of things to vent. I mean, the Steelers will win, and they will lose. Music will astound and disappoint. Our jobs will make us brain dead eternally.

So why keep bitching about it, like a little bitch? It's time to squash the hatred, and exude love through obscurity.

aaauuuuuhhhhhhh

2009-09-12T19:30:00.001-07:00

The hibernation ends. The long, cold summer is in the past.

What did I sleep through? Ehhhhhxxxxx absolutely nothing.

STEELERS 13 TITANS 10

Tennessee was pretty good last year. But this year THEY SUCK. Fuck you Tennessee.

My analysis is a bit like this:

Titans played okay but choked with the field goals. Steelers played like shit but got a few big plays. Exciting game. Hard to remember. Moving on.

Next week Chicago Bears.

Holy shit that is a scary bear. We need special tactics.

(insert caption in comments)

monday 5/18

2009-05-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

i76lw9wt6jsiap9tgmuxnpj370jpwudhugq57k039

THINGS DON"T CHANGE MUCH IN 11 YEARS

2009-02-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

March 1998

Oh hell yeh, this game is awesome.

Hmm...secret characters. How to unlock them?

I see, I have to play this really hard minigame and collect stuff. And also some kind of netless volleyball against a dinosaur? It might take a few days, but I can do it.

March 2009

Game is FUCKING AWESOME! Yes!

Eh? Secret characters? I wonder how to unlock them?

BAM! What the fuck?!

BEN RAXLZBERGER IS NO PEYTON MANNING

2009-02-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

"Yes, he's won 2 Super Bowls in 5 years, but he's just a game manager. Don't you agree, fuckdick?"

"Completely. Big Ben is just not a star quarterback like Brady or Romo. His girlfriend just isn't famous enough for ME to give him PROPS."

"I JUST WANT TO BUT IN AND SCREAM THAT TOM BRADY'S SPIRALS GIVE ME A BONER! BIG BEN SUCKS! WHITE BOYS CAN.....NOT!!! WEAR THE BACKWARDS HAT! UNH UH YOU BETTER RECOG-NIIIIZE!"

The Big Ben hating may never stop, but I know of only one other man on Earth who could have made that throw - fucking Joe Montana.

I'll admit, I've cursed Ben plenty through the years for making retarded decisions on the field. Pretty much all of 2006 was terrible. And, while you won't see me in a #7 jersey, I think it's time to give him his fair shake.

Cut the "game manager" bullshit. Big Ben is the most exciting QB in the game right now. And he's a fucking winner.

Suck it, sports media. YOU PISS ME OFF WITH THIS GODDAMN BULLSHIT! EAT A DICK!

YES YES YES THAT JUST HAPPENED

2009-02-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

PIT 27 AZ 23

This was one of the greatest football games I've ever seen. The first half was great, highlighted by Harrison's interception return.

The man in the suit knows whats up.

The second half was a heart attack. Fitzgerald got off, and the offense stalled. But Roethlisberger and Holmes took the trophy. I'm speechless.

So, another season over. The wait for September will be brutal.

Before I go, I'd just like to say one more thing.

Dear New England Patriots,

SUCK IT YOU ASSHOLES!

If you'll excuse me, I have to go drink 9000 gallons of water. Cheee-hoooo!

JUST ANOTHER GAME

2009-02-01T08:28:00.001-08:00

Game on motherfuckers!

PIT 23 BAL 14

2009-01-19T09:45:00.000-08:00

Yaaa!

Back to the Super Bowl!

Aaaaaoooooooweeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaahooooooooooo!!!!!

"The difference between Polamalu and Ed Reed is that Ed Reed turns interceptions into defensive touchdowns." - Shannon Sharpe (aka Mr. Ed the retarded horse)

Eat your words Sharpe. Then puke 'em up and eat em again.

The toughest schedule did not stop the Steelers from returning to the big one.

I can't be happy to just get there. Yes, knocking the Ravens out felt really great, but it's time to focus on the Cardinals. Of Arizona.

Homos.

IT'S NOT AWESOME, BABY!!

2009-01-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

The Eat Shit, Prick Network strikes again.

I've been able to ignore Vitale's loud ass for many years. I've done this by avoiding college basketball. Not hard for me to do - I'm not a huge college bball fan.

Last night, I turned on the Heat-Nuggets to get an NBA fix.

"It's a dipsy do dunkaroo BABY!!!"

What the fuck? Thank you ESPN, for giving me another reason to never watch your shitty station again.

Eat a dick, Vitale.

I WAS GONNA POST TODAY

2009-01-06T12:49:00.000-08:00

But I changed my mind.

I changed my mind I changed my mind I changed my mind.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009

2009-01-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

Get it here.

Highlights include......basically, the whole thing is a highlight. Great music out of north Texas. Unfortunately no longer playing together.

Enjoy.

ALL ABOUT THE TOWEL

2008-12-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Tennessee Titans,

Congratulations. You beat Pittsburgh, and secured home field for the playoffs. I bet you're feeling pretty good right about now. Cocky, even.

And why wouldn't you? 40 year old QB, rookie running back, and celebrity fans.

You got it going on, Tennessee. I understand your malice toward that little towel. Why should you have to see so many in your own stadium? It must have hurt your feelings something fierce.

So you did something about it. By golly, you stomped on that cloth like a cockroach. You said "This is what we do to towels from Pittsburgh!"

So fearsome! So controversial! So baby blue!

You knew that dissing the towel would guarantee a future victory. You saw how well it worked out for the Bengals.

Unfortunately, there is a downside to all of this. You see, Deebo has an unhealthy love for washwear. When you hurt his towel, you made Deebo very angry.

You won't like him when he's angry.

Warmest fuckyou and deepest eatmyass,

Cornbread

WATCH OUT SAN ANTONIO

2008-12-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

Payback is a motherfucker.

I don't care about your successes over the past decade.

Your team is despicable. (Duncan not bad, but he's a Spur so fuck him)

I hate having to listen to Mushmouth Walton praise Bruce Bowen for being such a great defender.

He's nothing but a cheap-shot artist. F-U-C-K Bruce Bowen.

And then there's Ginobili.

I hate this motherfucker most of all. He flops on offense. He flops on defense.

"Gigantic vagina. Biggest vagina known to man."

That's you, Manu.

So let's do this tonight, Hornets. I need my vicarious revenge!

TUESDAY DEC 16 2008

2008-12-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

A Pac Man xmas tree.

A 1st round bye on a late TD.

A badass Neil Young live CD.

Peace out tweedle deedle dee

STEELERS 20 COWBOYS 13

2008-12-08T09:35:00.000-08:00

Defense comes through again. Steelers score 17 in the fourth quarter. The team has been starting slower and slower. Makes for some exciting stuff I guess.

James Harrison has 15 sacks and 7 forced fumbles this year. Nice.

The Steelers can win the division by beating the Ravens next week. Jets keep sinking away from that #2 spot, but now the Colts are all like whats up. Offense has got to play better, Arians GTFO.

Elsewhere, Florida goes to the BCS champ. game to play Oklahoma in ONE MONTH. Why do they have to wait so long? I have no attention span.

Hawaii chokes big time and loses to Cincinnati. Bows still go to the Hawaii Bowl (yeayah) and play Western Somebody.

WEDNESDAY DEC 3 ANAGRAM

2008-12-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, but I can only offer lunch-break mini-posts this week.

As if this wasn't easy enough, I have supplied a visual representation below:

Awesome!! Do it again!

JOHN HOLT - ALI BABA

2008-12-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

Watch that record spin.

Nice recommendation on the song LD. Mr. Holt was unknown to me.

Mp3 can be found here.

That's all for today.

STEELERS 33 PATRIOTS 10

2008-12-01T09:16:00.001-08:00

MONDAY SPORTS SHITTACULAR

2008-11-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

Lots of sporting contests over the weekend (and earlier). Let's start at the top.

STEELERS 27 BENGALS 10

Back to the pile everybody!

Pit played poorly, probably put off by the polar precipitation. However, while Houshmanzedeh harped about holding, Harrison and Hampton hamburgered the homely halfback.

Tomlin told the team it was time to terrorize those turds in the third, so Santonio's slants secured serious scoring situations.

Roethlisberger's red zone retardedness rescinded, and Russell ran roughshod up Cincy's rectum.

This wasn't a game, it was a formality. I almost feel sorry for Bengals fans.

Almost.

Hey Cincy, do you remember the exact moment you lost all hopes of ever being good for the next 25 years? I do, and the schadenfreude was soooooo delicious.

Next up for the Stillerz - the Cheatriots. I have been waiting a year for this game.
Time for my Faustian pact to come to fruition.
A message for you Welker-wanking, Moss-molesting, Seau-sodomizing, Belichik-blowing massholes:

Friday and Saturday saw an NBA home-and-home between the Hornets of NOLA and the Thunder of OKC. The "Thunder" is a stupid name first of all. Thunder doesn't scare or hurt people. Lightning does. Anyway, neither game was really close.

Big Dave did his thing, as usual. CP3 was showing out so much that I thought someone was going to foul him hard on GP. But no, the Thunder just watched as he went all streetball on them just about every time downcourt. It was embarrassing to watch, but plenty of entertainment for me! Note to CP3: give me at least one Chandler oop when you guys are nationally televised. This whiskey aint gonna drink itself.

Saturday brought college football, and with it another slaughter at the hands of the Florida Gators.

Game rundown here.

Texas Tech shit the bed. Saw that one coming. So, it's up to Alabama to keep the Gators out of the championship game. Am I forgetting about FSU? Of course not. I hope Urban believes he still needs style points. A blowout of the Seminoles is what a Gator lives for.

Ahh.....sports. Make me feel like a man!

ROLLING STONE'S 100 GREATEST SINGERS

2008-11-21T15:47:00.000-08:00

I don't know who she is - but trust me - this cover is much better than the one I was looking for.

Rolling Stone (a magazine?), just published it's "100 greatest singers of all time" issue, and proceeded to fill it with a buttload of people who can't sing.

Now I realize that there was a ballot sent out to musicians, record execs, and journalists; asking for their top twenty choices. So, it's not only Rolling Stone editors who made this piece of shit list. However, RS published this garbage so I hold them responsible.

Here are some lowlights:

#1 - Aretha Franklin

Ehh....whatever. This was a safe bet for everyone. I mean, Aretha can sing - sure she can. But she's not even one of my top ten female soul singers. I think the following soul chicks are better than ol' fatass:

Etta James (RS #22)
Nina Simone (RS #29)
Whitney Houston (RS #34)
Gladys Knight (RS #51)
Sade (not listed)
Bettye Swann (not listed)
Mary Wilson (not listed)
Candi Staton (not listed)

etc....etc...etc....I could go on for a while.

#2 Ray Charles is way too high, but he just died so I see why he got voted that high.

# 3 Elvis Presley I have no problem with, as long as Sam Cooke is #1.

Nope, Sam Cooke is #4. What the fuck? No "great singer" list should ever start with anyone but Sam motherfucking Cooke. Best believe that.

#5 - JOHN LENNON

Fucking terrible. The only beetle whose voice didn't make me want to repeatedly headbutt the back of my toilet was Harrison. And he's not on the list. "John Lennon a better singer than Marvin Gaye?" SURE WHY NOT!

#7 - BOB DYLAN

This has to be a joke. I have a friend who does an impersonation of Jim Carrey doing an impersonation of Grace Slick in "The Cable Guy". Sounds exactly like Bob Dylan.
Bob Dylan's voice should be in a cartoon, not on a record. Fuck Bob Dylan he sucks.

The rest of list....well it sucks but I don't have the time or energy to pick it apart. Apparently Johnny Cash is a better singer than Michael Jackson, even though Cash doesn't....really....sing......anything. He just mumbles like fucking Boomhauer.

There is one that really gets me, though.

#65 - DAVID RUFFIN

With no Eddie Kendricks or Levi Stubbs on the list, I guess I should be grateful Ruffin made it at all, right? Look at the names above Ruffin on the list:

Bono #32 - Ugly voice.
Steve Winwood #33 - Pedestrian voice.
Neil Young #37 - I love Neil Young but he is no great singer.
Elton John #38 - Ugh.
Kurt Cobain #45 - Great screamer, awful singer.
Jim Morrison #47 - Druggie lounge singer wannabe.
Brian Wilson #52 - Come on.
Paul Rodgers #55 - All right now, this is ridiculous.
Bjork #60 - Get. The. Fuck. Out.
Lou Reed #62 - Love Lou, but very limited as a vocalist.
Axl Rose #64 - Fuck you, voters. Now you're just being mean.

They also agree that the Radiohead mumbler is a better singer than Wilson Pickett, and Iggy Pop is better than Frankie Valli. Have any of these fucking bastards ever tried to sing "Sherry"? Urge to kill rapidly rising.

I haven't been this pissed off since I read the "100 greatest guitarists" issue of Rolling Stone. At least they had the decency to put Jimi at the top then.

I'll give you my top twelve singers then, if you must know.

#1 Sam Cooke
#2 Selena
#3 David Ruffin, Eddie Kendricks
#4 Marvin Gaye
#5 Smokey Robinson
#6 Syl Johnson
#7 Mike Patton
#8 Elvis
#9 Levi Stubbs
#10 Hajime Chitose
#11 Roy Orbison
#12 Michael Jackson

Omissions? Discrepancies?

A SHITDAY ANNOYANCE SPECTACULAR

2008-11-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

Animal, mineral, vegetable, or fish? What say you?

JOE LIEBERMAN

CRIMES:

- Lobbying against video games

- Political douchery

- Masturbating in McDonalds drive-thru

PUNISHMENT:

Just like that old Disney film.

VERNE LUNDQUIST

CRIMES:

- Constantly misidentifying players

- Constantly using the phrase "How about that!"

- Constantly calling Tim Tebow "Superman"

PUNISHMENT:

- Lundquist's awful announcing does not, in itself, warrant the death penalty. Send him out to pasture, and take this fuckmonkey with him.

JACKARINE BLACKTIDE

CRIMES:

- Unfunny actor

- Unfunny "musician"

- Failure to die from something....anything

PUNISHMENT

- Waterboarding seems fair

Court is adjourned.

Meiko Kaji - Zenkyokushu

2008-11-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

This is by far my favorite CD of all time. Desert Island material.

Now, I may be pretty bad at Japanese, as most of you readers are, but it really doesn't matter. Anyone who has seen Lady Snowblood: Caucasian Edition..... I mean Kill Bill, will recognize the song "Shura no Hana", which plays at the end. And as annoying as Tarantino can be, I think he did a pretty good job with those movies.

It's sad that in today's world someone can be considered original by taking some old shit from another culture and remaking it into their own. Then again, I guess pretty much every original idea has already been done, so unintentional plagiarism is unavoidable.

Someone in Sri Lanka probably sang "Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with" back in 1915, into a coconut.

Back to Zenkyokushu. This collection of songs transcends language. It is unlike most music you will hear, unless you are an Osaka oyabun. In which case, why the hell are you here?

Have a listen to one of my many favorite tracks, "Minami Kaze" (Southern Wind).

Get it here if you like it.

And if anyone knows where I can find a legit copy, let me know.

NFL MIDSEASON REPORT - AFC

2008-11-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

Just a quickie here, as I'm still feeling roshambo'd from yesterday's PIT-IND debacle.

AFC EAST

Jets and Pats tied for first, Bills and Dolphins one game behind. Hard to tell who comes out of this division into the playoffs, and I really don't care. I'm rooting for Buffalo or Miami.

Asshole.

Crybaby.

AFC SOUTH

The Titans are a lock, and Houston is pathetic. The only real question here is which team - Indy or Jacksonville - will play well enough to grab a wild card berth. Let's go Indy, I do NOT want to see Jacksonville in the playoffs. Hell to the nizzo.

Please.

AFC WEST

Both the AFC and NFC West suck balls. That's what you get for playing that pansy-ass California football. Oakland and Kansas City are embarrassments. Denver is as loathsome and inconsistent as ever. The NFL's poster child, LT, just rubs me the wrong way.

What the hell is that celebration anyway? Cocky prick. Either Denver or San Diego will emerge from the West to lose in the first round of the playoffs.

AFC NORTH

Well, Cleveland and Cincy are predictably horrible. Again. That Browns bandwagon got empty pretty damn quick, eh? Right now, Pittsburgh and Baltimore are tied at 6-3. The Ravens are fucked though, because they haven't played the NFC East yet. They're not fooling me with wins over Cincy, Cleveland (2X), Houston, Oakland, and Miami.

Steelers are taking the division if Ra-ra-berger stops fuckin' up.

Well.....ugh. I don't even want to think about football until this weekend.

Hooray NBA! Go Hornets!

FUCK YOU BRUCE ARIANS!!!

2008-11-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

YOU HAVE BEEN RESTING ON THE DEFENSE'S LAURELS FOR TOO LONG!!!

I'm assuming it was YOU, Mr. Offensive Coordinator, that called off tackle left 3 FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW from the 1 yard line.

You think we still have Marvel Smith and Alan Faneca? Are you FUCKING RETARDED!!???

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE you son of a bitch. Or at least go back to Cleveland.

NBA YEARBOOK : N.O. HORNETS

2008-11-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

Welcome to an edition of NBA yearbook. King told me about the program. We take a look back at the team's past, and see how these players are holding up today.

CHRIS PAUL - PG

Dierrdorff High School, 1988

Nickname : "C-Paul"

Sports : Varsity Basketball, JV Swimming

Hobbies : Crossfire!, Tiger LCD games, skinny dipping

Fav. Music/Band : Rick James Superfreak

Quote : "Let's get cozy by the fire, baby."

Current stats : 21 points 12 assists per game

MORRIS PETERSON - SG

Lincoln High School, 1986

Nickname : Money Morri$$

Sports : Varsity Basketball, Bowling

Hobbies : Breakdancing

Fav. Music/Band : ZAPP!

Quote : "I like that robotic shit."

Current stats : 11 points per game

PEJA STOJAKOVIC - SF

Hvergzfff Skul, 1993

Nickname : "P-Diddy"

Sports : Archery

Hobbies : Super Nintendo, Q-Zar

Quote : "I can get some weed from my brother."

Current stats : 18 points per game

DAVID WEST

Braniff High, 1999

Nickname : "Big Dave"

Sports : Varsity Football, Darts

Hobbies : S.T.U.N Runner, Straight Bullyin'

Fav. Music/Band : Old Dirty Bastard Brooklyn Zoo

Quote : "Don't fuck with Big Dave"

Current stats : 22 points per game, 95% free throw

TYSON CHANDLER

Belair Academy, 1992

Nickname : "Ivan TC"

Sports : Varsity basketball, Chess

Hobbies : Pogo Ball, Archie Comics, Cotillion

Fav. Music/Band : DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince Summertime

Quote : "To the tick tock ya don't stop"

Current Stats : One game - 13 points 16 rebounds. One oop one shot of Jameson.

JAMES POSEY - 6TH MAN

Cooley High, 1976

Nickname : "Silky James"

Sports : Varisty Basketball, Three Time Tennis Champion

Hobbies : Pimpin', Hoin', Roller Skatin'

Fav. Music/Band : William Devaughn - Be Thankful For What You've.....

Quote : "Don't try me bitch. I'm way too fuckin' cold."

Current stats: 13 points per game, 63% three pointers

Everyone is doing just fine. Three wins. Zero losses.

This yearbook shit uh I like it use it some more.

UPAR UPAR

STEELERS 23 SKINS 6

2008-11-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

Monday Night Football on ESPN was a spectacle. Damn ESPN is so bullshit.

They kept telling me the Steelers were good on defense. NO SHIT. The Steelers have the best defense every year. That's like saying "Angelina Jolie is pretty hot this year, what do you think Tony?"

I also like how they kept showing these statistics about how if Pittsburgh won, Obama would win the presidency.

"Terrible towels and blunts for all the middle class! I decree it so!"

FACED WITH SUCH A BIG DEAL THE STEELERS ASKED A BROTHA TO HELP A BROTHA OUT

"Let's paint that white house black, brotha Holmes!"

"Terrible towels and blunts for the middle class, brotha Byron!"

And so, mighty Pittsburgh won the contest. Basically, don't fuck with Pittsburgh right now.

The Steelers gave the Skins ridiculous field position the first two drives of the game. Spotted 'em six and then shut them down. Linebackers Woodley Harrison and Farrior are all Pro Bowl candidates. Don't bother, Ray Lewis or any AFC linebacker. PIT is taking all three.

6-2 at the midway point, just like last year. I say, let everyone play a little.

SHII II II IT DAY

2008-10-29T17:33:00.000-07:00

The Kool Keith CD and Van Heusen style shirt are gone from the prize pool.

I gave them to a homeless person. The video game too. Only thing he wouldn't take was the Blazin Sunz DVD. Weird.

So that is still available. I'll throw in a 42 cent stamp, so you can write a letter to yourself.

THE CORNBREAD CASTLE RECOGNIZE!! SOMEBODY NOMINEES

The idea is that between now and Xmas, the nominees battle it out for supremacy. People do this stupid shit on the net all the time. It's retarded. Who will be recognize!!d supreme?

LISA KELLY

"An alluring songstress is standing before you. Will she lead you to run home like a dog, fornicating with firewood?" - Mel Gibson , Braveheart

I first laid eyes on Lisa during the PBS "Celtic Woman" concert. It wuz a crazy mad Sunday night party fo sho dawg!

This song makes me want to run through the woods. Soon thereafter, I find a hut with a smoking chimney. Inside, Lisa Kelly is knitting sweaters for her bird friends.

"Hello wanderer. Please let me get you a glass of hard cider....."

MIKE TYSON

"I sacrifice so much of my life....can I at least get laid? I've been robbed of all my money, can I at least get a blowjob?" - Iron Mike

I find nothing wrong with this statement.

Anyone ever beat Mike Tyson in Punch - Out? I almost did......once.

DEAD HOMIES GOTTA WAIT

2008-10-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

Still trying to figure out who jumps into the next 5 in my top ten dead rapper list.
Try and bring that to you next week.

Today I'll be lazy and throw up some of my all time favorite music vids. Enjoy these while you can, because record labels won't be paying for too many more music videos when they lose billions of dollars a year. DEEEEEE-MON-OID!

The Pharcyde - Drop

Just watch. One of the greatest videos I've ever seen.

Fatlip - What's Up Fatlip?

Another quick one from the Pharcyde camp. Just a funny video.

Extra props for the MC Hammer/Milli Vanilli dance moves at the 1:00 mark.

Dinosaur Jr - Start Choppin'

Unfortunately the video edit of Start Choppin cuts short J's amazing solo. When I see this video, I remember a time (grade 9) when I was overwhelmed with so much new music that I sported a 24 hour erection 365 days a year.

Gnarls Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul?

A recent video that I saw on the internet. This might be on MTV, not sure. Damn if it's not a cool visual interpretation of the song. They say co-dependant leads to co-defendant. Not quite sure what that means but it sounds pretty sweet.

Dschingis Khan - Moskau

A Bufflax classic, couldn't resist.

Bringing a new anagram tomorrow. I know how popular that segment is.

Almost forgot to say fuck.

GIANTS 21 STEELERS 14

2008-10-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

Tough game. Should have won. Well, could have won.

Defense played great but stayed on the field too long.

Big Ben '06 made a return appearance, throwing a fabulous 4 picks.

Moldy Moore continues to run well, which is good. Can't wait for Parker to get back.

More injuries, this time Ryan Clark. Clark is a very important player so let's hope he comes back soon.

In other news.....

- Gators destroy Kentucky 63-5. Ole Miss woke a sleeping giant. Anal rape is headed for Georgia.

The fist of Albert haunts you like a shadow, Knowshon.

- Hawaii beats Nevada behind Greg? Alexander? Well, it seems like coach Mack decides who the QB will be based on the number of marshmallows in his Lucky Charms. I was just getting used to Funaki. No complaints, wins are precious this year.

Aloha

TUESDAY

2008-10-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Be out of town for a few days, but maybe you want to check out this

Song list here

Seems good, I don't know.

BENGALS GO DOWN AGAIN

2008-10-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

38-10.

Hines Ward blocked LB Keith Rivers so hard that he broke Rivers's jaw.

Here's the hit, for those who missed it:

That was basically what it looked like.

Got so bad for the old Ben-Gays that Carson Palmer's little brother played in the 4th. He sucked just like every other Bengal, older brother included.

Is this what the division has come to? Can the AFC North swap Cincy or Cleveland for another team? I'm tired of watching these charlatans.....these......retards.

Oh, how my neck chafes! This may not be hypo-allergenic. What? You bought it at Ross?!

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

MOVIES GAMES SECOND CHANCES

2008-10-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Life is all about 2nd chances. 3rd and 4th too. This just goes to show that forming an opinion about anything is stupid because you will probably change your mind anyway.

Ugh, the poster. BULLSHIT! I screamed. The commercial with the stupid cow fight.
More bullshit. When Kung Pow! hit theaters, I remember saying to someone, "That's will be the unfunniest piece of shit ever."

Year or so later, at Video News, convinced to rent by friend. We were high, he said. We needed a stupid movie, he said.

The man was right!

HALLELUJAH! Kung Pow! is a funny muthafuckin movie! TESTIFY!!

See, if I had never given it that 2nd chance....I would be missing out today.

This one's a bit different. See, I played the demo and thought it was boring.
I thought it was a Mario game with some rewind-time gimmicks thrown in.

But after hearing how fantastic it was all over the medias, I done got that thang and che-diddly-ecked it out. It is fantastic - fucking fantittyastic even.

If you want a full review go here but I'll just give it old CC seal of approval.

Braid is fucking badass.

So, this weekend, I urge everyone to give something a 2nd chance. Maybe red peppers, or Tae Bo. You could pick up that boring ass book or take ecstasy.

Sky's the limit!

BEEN A LONG TIME

2008-10-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Like anyone really cares. What did we miss?

SPORTS

Gators trounce LSU at home. Rainey and Demps go apeshit.

Funaki leads UH to winning streak with 24-14 victory over La. Tech.

Create your own caption

MUSIC

Ten tales from the crypt - Part 1

This is a thing where I post ten songs from dead rappers and why I like them.

#1 - Tupac - Picture me Rollin'

I hated 2pac in high school. If it wasn't Wu-Tang, I wasn't hearing that shit.
I thought all the Death Row shit was ignorant, and kind of bought in to the East/West beef.

But, after listening to 2pac's music, I had a change of heart. This is one of my favorites of his, even if it is more of a posse track. Here, 2pac isn't saying "I'm bangin' bitches and shootin' ma'fuckas" - he is rejoicing in his freedom. He gives a big FU to all those who defined him as a problem and not a person. I can dig that.

#2 - Easy E - Nobody Move

Heard this track at summer camp, age 11. Single-handedly turned me on to rap music.

#3 - ODB - Harlem World

The last track on ODB's sensational first album. A window into the mind of one of the strangest people to ever walk the earth. Nice Kool and the Gang interpolation at the beginning. RIP ODB

#4 - RUN DMC - Darryl and Joe (Jam Master Jay)

Run is a reality show star now, and I'm not really respecting him much. Darryl had laryngitis when I saw them in concert circa 1999. The man that made RUN DMC, in my opinion, was Jay. Before the commercial success of "Raising Hell", Jay went absolutely nuts on this final track from "King of Rock". 23 years later, the shit still sounds futuristic.

#5 - UGK - One Day (Pimp C)

No one is going to call Pimp C the greatest lyricist of all time, but he could hold his own. His work as producer for UGK deserves much praise. He always had some smooth shit that let the rappers shine, and this track is a perfect example. It's kind of strange to listen to Pimp C rapping on this track ( a song about tragedy and how the good die young), considering he just died last year at an early age.

I can pinpoint the start of my affinity for UGK with Bun B's verse from this song.

"I walk around with my mind blown, in my own fuckin'zone, 'cause one day you're here and the next day you're gone."

ANAGRAM

This is a tough one, so I'm adding a copy of NBA2K8 for xbox 360 to the mix. I'll also throw in an olive green Van Heusen style shirt.

Also, to make things easier, from now on all anagrams are song lyrics. Good luck.

NBA 2K9

2008-10-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

I thought 2K8 was the pinnacle.

I was so far from reality. 2K9 is another world. Ouch.

THERE USED TO BE A LOUD ANNOYING-ASS VIDEO HERE

The game really looks like that. Kids these days have it so good in the nintendo department. They get NBA 2K9, I had this:

Which was cool, but.....

I mean, come on.

RECYCLED SHIT WEDNESDAY

2008-10-08T19:40:00.001-07:00

Anagram

/---\ ----- - -
| ' | ' | - -
| | | -----
| | | - -
\---/ | - -

Someone's getting these damn prizes.

DYEHHRHHEERRHERRRR

DEVIN THE DUDE - LANDING GEAR

2008-10-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

Only $8.99 at Amazon.

(Free everywhere else on the internet)

REVIEW:

This CD is fucking badass.

It's not surprising though. I have never been disappointed in a Devin the Dude CD. He delivers great music every time. The production on this CD (Rockstar, Cozmo, Coughee Brothers, and others) is very well done. Devin has great lyrics as usual.

"Admiring my weed jar, it's rather stocky" - Devin the Dude

I'll buy whatever Devin puts out there. He is at the top of the rap game, in my opinion.

Some record label should make a cd with rappers that don't usually work together, from different areas.

Imagine something like:

Track 1 - Jay Z, Devin the Dude, DJ Quik
Track 2 - Outkast, Killarmy, Andre Nickatina, Tech N9ne
Track 3 - Tela, Ghostface, Raekwon, Snoop
Track 4 - Ice Cube, Method Man, Scarface
Track 5 - Bone Thugs, Camp Lo, Nappy Roots

and so on. I think rap fans would buy that shit up. The tour would be HUGE!

More rap shit next week - mo murda mo murda mo murda.

In the meantime, go grab you some Devin.

STEELERS 26 JAGS 21

2008-10-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

ACT 1

Aha! Ya bitch is mine, Ben! Takin' this ho to the crib like I did in January!

Damn! Another benterception. Gotta focus! FOOOOCUSSSSS!!!

He Roethlisbergered it.

ACT II

All right, this is easy. They can't stop me.

Shit.

ACT III

I can throw while falling down! Is this another one of my powers?!

Get off me, fatass.

I feel sorry for your mother, Jacksonville.

The demons were nice today.

GO STEELERS

As for the Bows....well, it was a fucking incredible game as well. Fresno St. was thinking big because they were #22. Well guess what, you were overrated Fresno.
Hawaii won in overtime, 32-29.

Funaki was great. Running, passing - Juichiban was on fire.

Ryan Mouton had a big game too. Kick returns were great, and Mouton played great defense. He was also flagged for a PI penalty late in the game.
That penalty was pure fabrication. Wasn't even close.

Then, in overtime, Hawaii blocks the field goal and get called for another garbage "I tapped the kicker with my heel" penalty. It's amazing what a bunch of homers officiated this game.

Luckily, Fresno State's kicker REALLY sucks.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ha ha. Suck it Fresno. Lookin' at you, Boise.

CRISCO AND PEEBERT AT THE MOVIES

2008-10-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

TODAY'S FILM

"This movie is painful. I would say it's one of the fuckiest pieces of garbage in all of creation. It's fuckier than a tapeworm. Who the hell watches this shit, Roger?"

"Retards."

GAMEZDAWG

2008-10-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

The weekend is near, and the weather is changing.
Hallelujah.

Todays Game:

BASEBALL STARS 2 (Neo-Geo, Wii Virtual Console, PS2)

Here's a first. A baseball game I can play! I usually despise baseball games - and here's why.

You throw over 100 pitches, working the count, you know; really getting into the game.

You put together a few base hits and score a run or two. You might even hit a solo home run.

You hold a slim lead until the last inning. Then, inexplicably, your players can't field DICK. You give up 5 runs on errors and it's game over.

Baseball Stars 2 is special, though. It's arcade baseball at it's finest. No stat tracking, no annoying commentary - just responsive and fun gameplay.

It's the only baseball video game worth playing.
Check it out sometime, it had a good run in the arcades, and now you can play at home.
It's probably safe to say that you'll enjoy the first or second run-through.
Take some relief from those foul ESPN baseball games.
Go on strike from the single-worst franchise in a box - EA MVP Baseball.

Uhh....umpire dugout grounder on deck pop-up shortstop balk fuck face.

SHITMUSIC TUEWEDNESDAY

2008-10-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Hey. Yeah, you.

I said I was gonna review Dr. Dooom 2 so here it is:

This CD is fucking badass.

If you don't like rap, you may enjoy some other kind of music.

ANAGRAM

Two guesses last week, both very good. But also very wrong.

That old drivin' tune. Now it's tobacco road big city style.

This week

Prizes from unsolved puzzles carry over to the next puzzle, so the Blazing Sunz DVD is included as well. Would make a great stocking stuffer!

*Side note - I am amazed at how much porn is on the internet. I do a google image search for "stocking" and get 100 porn pictures and no Xmas stockings. Type in "shirt" and the first thing I see is Two naked chicks scissorgrinding.

Look, I'm not complaining.

I just think maybe there's so much porn on the internet that it's beginning to spill over the porn fence. Who knows what could happen.

2008-09-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

Monday Night Football - BALTIMORE at PITTSBURGH

Rashard Mendenhall gets his first NFL start, as Fast Willie is out with a sprained knee. We'll see what the kid's got hu-chuh-chuh. Casey Hampton is injured as well.

Ravens always a tough matchup for the Steelers, and they'll be extra pissed about last year's Monday Night embarassment.

Today's daily pre-game quote of the day:

"Adrenaline is the best medicine." - Ben Roethlisberger

Don't forget about laughter Ben. Laughter.

Unrest in the collegia last week, with #1,3,and 4 losing to underdogs. Florida loses by a blocked extra point to Ole Miss. The irony. Sometimes Urban Meyer looks like a damn fool at the end of games, and this was one of those times. Kick the fucking field goal!!!!

Luckily Florida won't slip too far in the ratings. I doubt anyone will have an undefeated season this year. There's just too much fuckin weird shit goin' on.

The gate of hope is closing fast on Hawai'i. After losing to SJSU this weekend, the Warriors slipped to 1-3 on the year. No we have the WAC games. Could go a long way toward winning the conference with a win against Fresno.

Honestly, Hawai'i is playing badly. The whole program is in turmoil.

See y'all later

SHITDAY! SHITDAY!

2008-09-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well no one guessed the anagram last week. There were only 2 submissions, and they both sucked.

Kinda disappointed in you TPB fans out there, missing such an obvious clue.

Now, for this week's puzzle.

Back tomorrow with games. Later.

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

2008-09-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Shucks howdy! Welcome back to the pyramid y'all!

I wanted to review the new Kool Keith today, but I haven't listened to it yet. Needless to say, I am very excited about it. Pick up the disc tomorrow and test my car speakers, I think. Kurt and Keith back together for Dr. Dooom 2!

I'll review it next week.

So, today I will talk a bit about good old Hawaiian/Jawaiian.

The old boys:

Don Ho was a cool dude. That ma'fucka was always smiling.

Iz smiled a lot too. What a badass concert, right on the beach!

The current generation:

This is Next G. They sound a lot like InoAole.

InoAole sounds a lot like KoaUka.

You get the idea. Most Jawaiian music sounds the same, and most of the videos look the same. But I'll give credit to the Local bands out there - every song is begging girls to give up the sex. No wasted effort, I like that.

BUT THERE IS ANOTHER FORCE IS HAWAIIAN MUSIC......HEARTFELT. INTENSE. GENIUS.

Da Blazing Sunz

Not enough for ya? You want MORE!?!??

C'Mon! Keep going! Don't stop now!

Even I can't take this shit any more. Too....intense....one........mooo..ooooore...

Ahh!!!!!

SPORTS

2008-09-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

NBA PREVIEW TIME

Predictions

EASTERN CONFERENCE

1. Celtics - you can't fuck with them until they lose one of the Big 3.

2. Cavs - LeBron James will carry them all year, again.

3. Magic - young team been playing together for a few years. Should score a lot.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

1. Hornets - Even without Pargo, this is the year for NO.

2. Suns - Nash is just too good.

3. Lakers - Finals loser hangover. Not going back.

So, Hornets-Celtics in June. Hornets winning. Why not?

All NBA 1st Team

PG - Chris Paul

SG - Kobe Bryant

SF - LeBron James

PF - Zaza Pachulia

Just kidding. Kevin Garnett.

C- Dwight Howard

That's all for sports. Later.

THURFRISADAY

2008-09-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

Fashizzaday.

Yakuza 2 is good. I know it's just cutscene, then walk around, get into fights, and repeat.
Still, is very gripping. Anyone still rockin the PS2 should pick this bad boy up.

That's a badass motherfucking jacket.

Movies? I guess.

Shitman told me this was good. Haven't seen it yet. Torrent link

Anyone seen any good movies? Fuck.

WEDNESDAY IS SHIT DAY

2008-09-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

People call Wednesday hump day, which would make sense if people had more sex on Wednesday than Friday or Saturday. But I'm just gonna call Wednesday shit day because Wednesday is the farthest you can be from the weekend. Monday and Tuesday you still have those great weekend memories, and you're not completely worn out. Thursday brings the knowledge of Friday, which makes both tolerable.

But Wednesday sucks. The weekend is long gone and the next one is nowhere in sight.
So I think Wednesday will no longer be book day. Wednesday from now on will be anagram day. I'll put up an anagram of something in my head, and I will give a prize to anyone who guesses it in the comments. This week's anagram is:

The winner receives:

A picture better than this one

Seems I forgot music tuesday, but not really. I was looking through some cds to review and I found one that was labeled "The Essential Shit". Not quite sure what it is, but it's probably essential.

I hate it when people put random, nonsensical names on their mix cds. Fuckin refuckin tarted. I may have been drunk and just misspelled this:

I wonder if my essential beats their essential. Holy shit Missy Elliot AND Usher? I might have to put this one up next week.

Tomorrow my Yakuza 2 coverage continues.

STEELERS 10 BROWNS 6

2008-09-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

Keeping the dream of a perfect season alive, Pittsburgh beat Cleveland 10-6 on Sunday.

The Steelers did not play too well on offense, but they played the Browns so it really didn't matter. The defense stuffed Cleveland's offense the whole game. Anderson and Edwards looked extra shitty.

Willie Parker over 100 again.

Santonio Holmes made some clutch catches.

But the Steelers need to get more scoring chances. Unfortunately can't play the Browns every week.

Back on Wednesday.

FRIDAY MOVIES

2008-09-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am so glad this week is finally over. Like many of you, I live for the weekend.
Having a Sunday night Pittsburgh-Cleveland game followed by a Monday off is icing on the cake.
Go me.

So, last week I rented Wicker Man with Nicolas Cage. I'd heard it was god-awful, and I love god-awful movies.

Neddless to say I was kind of disappointed. It was boring, yes.
It was predictable and stupid too. But it didn't deliver a Samurai Cop eperience. Maybe nothing ever will.

Wicker Man did, however, have it's share of shit-tacular moments. And guess what - someone was nice enough to put them together in a sweet youtube package.

That video is pretty fuckin' funny. I wish I had rented that 2 minute montage on DVD instead of the full length movie. I might watch that again. Have a good weekend.

Damn I feel good. Hey Browns - suck it.

THURSDAY FRESH GAMES

2008-09-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

By fresh I don't mean dope, cool, or stupid phat. I mean released this week. Look out Nintendo Power - I'm dishin and scoopin.

SAMURAI SHODOWN 2 on Xbox Live Arcade ($10 download)

For those who own Xbox 360, SS2 is now available for download. This is the greatest fighter of all time - absolutely no question. You don't want to know how many hours I spent at my local arcade with this one in 1995.

Oh, you do want to know? Okay, I'll tell you. Seven thousand.

With the recent 360 price drop to $199, any gamer should be playing this. I'm looking right at you, Heatwole. Your Jubei's gotta be rusty as fuck by now.

YAKUZA 2 for Sony Playstation 2 (MSRP $29.99)

I bitch about Sega giving Shenmue fans world record blueballs, but Sega also gave us the Yakuza series. The first Yakuza was pretty fuckin sweet, although the English-only voice option kind of sucked. Not content to give us a choice again, Sega has opted for a Japanese only voice track for Yakuza 2, with subtitles. I don't care. It will probably sound a lot better than the first.

The story in Yakuza was great. Real good plot and shit. I have waited years for the sequel and now it is here!

So if you would kindly fuck off, I've got work to do.

WEDNESDAY BOOK HIJACK

2008-09-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

Derka derka muhammad jihad. Want a book recommendation? How about Moby Dick.

Quick one today, just a little rant.

Last weekend I found myself with a nice buzz, watching either MTV or VH1 late at night. I can't remember which, but it really doesn't matter. Thing is, I was excited for a minute because there was an actual music video on.

Remember when MTV played stuff like this?

And this?

Yeah, 120 minutes and all that shit. Those were pretty good times.

No such nowadays. I saw the most inane, vapid bullshit - bammmmmm, one after another.
It was so bad I made a point to write down the song names.

First:

The sad thing is, someone probably spent alot of time on this video. Well, your pretty video got some 3 alarm diarrhea chili poured all over it, buddy. Who is buying this garbage? I will write the Flobots (stupid fucking name too!) next hit right here.

Last night I washed the dishes but I had no soap
Then I hung myself but I ran out of rope
So I tied my shoes together but didn't have a lace
Then I started shaving but didn't having a face

These guys are playing Mad-Libs and laughing all the way to the bank. Sad thing is, I think I'd seen the video before.

But wait, it gets worse. The next video:

Ugh. Just looking at the first screen while embedding that video made me gag a little. This could be the pussyiest song on the planet. Boy George wishes he could write shit this gay. Looks like these guys are trying to get some of that "songs drunk assholes can sing with drunk bitches at your local college bar" money.

So, if you should happen to run into a nerd herd like this,

you should take immediate action before one of them gets the urge to find a jukebox.

May I suggest the MuscleMan 400K? Very sleek and compact.

So, no more music videos for me until.....probably eternity. MTV should just concentrate on quality programming like Newport Harbor: The Real Laguna Beach.

TUESDAY MUSIC - TWO TO BURN THROUGH

2008-09-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

Less with the pontification and more with the gifting today. Mostly because I'm just too tired to think.

First of all, if you don't have a program that decompresses .rar files, would you hurry up and get with it? You are missing out otherwise.

Here, I'll even save you the trouble of using google.

Okay, that's out of the way. Today I give y'all two extremely chill albums.

For the hip-hoppers:

K-Dee - Ass, Gas, or Cash

Quite a topical album cover, don't ya think? I'm sure somewhere, gas pump pimpin' is all the rage. Yeah, but this is one smooth motherfucker. Great album to blaze to, and even better to bump in your vehicle of choice. The production on this one is way ahead of its time. K-Dee can flow too, and has some nice lyrics.

For the rockers:

Neil Young - Tonight's the Night

Ultra stony offering from Neil. Great tunes - very.....atmospheric? Isn't it about time to create some new adjectives? If I could describe this album in three words, I'd say "cloudy yet clear". If that makes sense to you then you are stoned already.

Great album for the end of the night, but don't drive to this one. You might wind up like the guy who ate Halcyon and snapped to on a plane, having no reason to be on said plane.
Hmm... do they still make that shit? Everyone's on Ambien now, which I don't think is really that much safer.

Until tomorrow then.....

THE NFL'S GLORIOUS RETURN!

2008-09-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

It's back. Holy monkey nuts, it's back. STEELERS 38 TEXANS 17

Week 1 was everything I wish I could have remembered it being.

Willie Parker's 3 touchdown runs did not help my sobriety. But I'm glad Willie showed up big after last year's broken foot. Lots of Steeler fans talk shit about Willie because they want another Bus. Fuck them. Willie is a fuckin' legend. We should be proud.

See that QB on the ground next to Woodley and Harrison? Yeah, that will be a recurring theme this year. Other great things I'm pretty sure happened:

- Big Ben was on target all game, and was only sacked twice.

- Troy Polamalu was back on the field, pickin' off passes and slayin' demons.

As for the rest of the league:

See that Pats fans? Say goodbye to your season. I'd like to say that I'm not petty enough to revel in your misfortune, but I can't.

You smug, cocksucking, golf-clapping, haughty, holier-than-thou, dick ligaments deserve this - and so much more.

Fuck you, you mumbling jerk.

Fuck you, future whore.

Also, some old crybaby beat the Dolphins, with the help of a ridiculous last second int in the endzone. Should have thrown it to Bess, Mr. Pennington.

The Seahawks and Niners lost to the shitty Bills and shitty Cards, respectively. This is disappointing although not surprising.

DRUNKE'S RETURN LIFTS HAWAI'I OVER SOME CRAP COLLEGE

Tyler Graunke got his shit together and returned for the second half of the UH-Weber State game on Saturday. He threw 3 touchdowns to lead the Warriors to a 36-17 victory, after being down 17-7 at the half.

I feel a bit better with the Drunkster back behind center, and am optimistic about our chances against Oregon (Fuck them too!) State this weekend.

The long and torturous summer is over. Long live Tibutbut!!

RIP VAN WINKLE

2008-09-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Damn, I feel like that guy. Friday movies was missed, as I slept 13 hours last night!
That's 3 nights worth of sleep at once.
I feel like I can take on the world! I'll waste some more time in front of my PC!
Yeah!

MOVIES - HITMAN

I thought this movie would suck, but it was good. Sheriff Bullock did a great job as always. The violence was swift and plentiful. The CGI and slo-mo was very limited. Hitman was a good action movie, much better than shit like Bourne movies.

Also:

This is Olga Kurylenko. She has some nude scenes. She is the hottest girl in movies right now. Hell, she is probably the hottest girl in the world.

No? Name me one hotter.

Jolie? You lose.

Lucy Liu? Sorry.

Julia Roberts? Shame on you!

Have a good weekend. Watch Hitman. And.....

THURSDAY GAMES CLUBHOUSE

2008-09-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

Gay!!

Sometimes I wonder what brought me back to the southeast.

The heat? The shitty job market? The always charming y'all-drawl? Christians?

The hurricanes?

Yeah, it's the hurricanes.

Hannah wants to fuck with the Carolinas? On opening weekend? Not cool.
Please Hannah, just go away. Nothing to see here.

THREE UP THREE DOWN

This game is popular in certain circles, and has many names. See the rules here. However, this is the kind of game that takes kindly to house rules. I like "Satan Rotation", where three sixes in a row reverses play.

This is one of those type of games that can really tear friendship fabric, especially when money is involved. The highest tension is created when some asshole, with no chance of winning, makes moves to fuck someone out of a victory. This happens just about every hand after round 3.

This game is a blast; probably the best 4-5 player card game on the planet.

VG BATTLE PART ONE

Face off time! Three categories today (Football, Racing, Fighting).

I'll tell you what is best because people need direction in these hard times.

The football nominees are:

ESPN NFL 2K5
NCAA 07
MADDEN 08

Winner:

ESPN NFL 2K5

Madden has the pretty graphics, but this is the ultimate football game. The gameplay is rock solid. Also:

- TV quality presentation. Halftime and postgame highlight shows. Suzy Kolber player interviews. Weekly "Primetime" type recap show.

- Customizable stadium music for game intro, sacks, interceptions, touchdowns.....you name it. Want "Pimp Bitch" to play when you score a touchdown? No problem. Wanna do a sack dance to "Kalluri Vaanil"? Up to you.

Honorable mention to NCAA 07 for it's create-a-sign feature. Nothing like hearing Lee Corso's commentary while the camera pans to a fan holding a "Corso Sucks Donkey Dick" sign.

The racing nominees are:

F-Zero GX
Ridge Racer 6
Gran Turismo 4

Winner:

Ridge Racer 6

Gran Turismo (and Forza, GRID, Project Gotham) is just too realistic to be fun. "It's so realistic!" they say. These people seem to lose focus of what videogames are really about. Fun, bitch. They're about fun.

F-Zero GX is fun - I mean, I think it might be. It's so fucking hard I never got past stage 2. Can you guide a three-legged buffalo along a dental floss track at 450 MPH?
You can? Well, then this is your game.

Ridge Racer is challenging yet unrealistic. It's fast yet fair. Perfect arcade racing game, and has been for 15 years.

The fighting nominees are:

Tekken 2
Dead or Alive 4
Samurai Shodown 2
Street Fighter 3
Guilty Gear XX
Soul Calibur
Last Blade 2
Karate Champ
Marvel vs Capcom 2
Virtua Fighter 2

These are all winners. I cannot pick Soul Calibur over Samurai Shodown, nor can I say Last Blade is better than Street Fighter or Marvel vs Capcom. At one point in time, any one of these games was nurturing me. Picking a favorite fighting game is like picking a favorite Penthouse Pet. Damn near impossible. But, if we go solely on time spent, the winner would have to be......

In 1995-1996, there were a few weekend staples for me and my crew. LSD, weed, Bud Ice, dumb chicks, and Tekken 2. I think I won over 400 matches with King.

I better stop. (Irish voice) I'm makin' me misty!

WEDNESDAY BOOK CLUB

2008-09-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

This book is good. You should read it. Or watch television. What the hell do I care?

I'm ready for the weekend.

TUESDAY MUSIC REVIEW

2008-09-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Some new shit.

MAN MAN - RABBIT HABITS

Smith put me on to this one. Man Man has been described as "gypsy funk". I will describe it as "circus blues lounge rock freaky funk". It doesn't matter. Man Man is a unique band - the sound is hard to place.

It's fucking tight, holmes. That's all you need to know. Tour dates:

September, 19 2008 08:00 PM - Echoplex
Los Angeles, California -
September, 20 2008 08:00 PM - Street Scene
San Diego, California -
September, 25 2008 08:00 PM - 40 Watt
Athens, Georgia -
September, 27 2008 08:00 PM - Austin City Limits Festival
Austin, Texas -
October, 10 2008 08:00 PM - Webster Hall
New York City, New York -
October, 11 2008 08:00 PM - Pearl St Ballroom
Northhampton, Massachusetts -
October, 12 2008 08:00 PM - Heirloom Arts Theatre
Danbury, Connecticut -
October, 14 2008 08:00 PM - Grog Shop
Cleveland Heights, Ohio -
October, 15 2008 08:00 PM - The Crofoot
Pontiac, Michigan -
October, 16 2008 08:00 PM - Canopy Club
Urbana, Illinois -
October, 17 2008 08:00 PM - Turner Hall Ballroom
Milwaukee, Wisconsin -
October, 18 2008 08:00 PM - Bottom Lounge (Late Show)
Chicago, Illinois -
October, 18 2008 08:00 PM - Bottom Lounge (Early Show)
Chicago, Illinois -
October, 19 2008 08:00 PM - The Picador
Iowa City, Iowa -
October, 20 2008 08:00 PM - The Bluebird
St Louis, Missouri -
October, 22 2008 08:00 PM - Mercy Lounge
Nashville, Tennessee -
October, 23 2008 08:00 PM - Thirsty Hippo
Hattiesburg, Mississippi -
October, 24 2008 08:00 PM - Voodoo Music Experience
New Orleans, Louisiana -
October, 25 2008 08:00 PM - Club Downunder at Florida State University
Tallahassee, Florida -
October, 26 2008 08:00 PM - The Social
Orlando, Florida -
October, 27 2008 08:00 PM - Jack Rabbits
Jacksonville, Florida -
October, 28 2008 08:00 PM - Headliners
Columbia, South Carolina -
October, 29 2008 08:00 PM - Visulite Theatre
Charlotte, North Carolina -
October, 30 2008 08:00 PM - The National
Richmond, Virginia -

Grab Rabbit Habits Here

For you torrentards, Man Man's 1st two albums are 'raut hea

Enjoy your short week ma'fuckas. Don't get caught gettin' changed.

PAYCE!!

SITE UPDATE - LABOR DAY

2008-09-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Last week's movie recommendation:

A bodyguard, an assassin, some cops, some criminals - your basic Hong Kong formula.
This one is excellent. The English dub is really good, too.

FLORIDA 56 - HAWAII 10

Chris Rainey, graduate of Lakeland High School (represent!) scores a TD

August 30, 2008. Yours truly was at the swamp to witness this "sporting contest".

You see, I was born in Gainesville and raised a Gator. I will be a Gator until I die. You can't fuck with that.

I attended University of Hawai'i and was made a Warrior. I will be a Warrior until I die. This fact is also unfuckwithable.

So watching this game, in person, was very difficult for me.

Imagine watching your mother beat the shit out of your wife. Who do you root for?

Two things that I learned on Saturday:

1. Florida is scary-good again. With Rainey, Will Demps, and Percy Harvin (Pervin), they have three of the fastest motherfuckers on Earth. The defense is also ridiculously strong, and they have a quarterback who won some kind of award last year. This quarterback has also made Jesus his bitch, which does not fare well for heathen godless schools like FSU and UGA.

2. Hawaii is back to 2004 form. I know that rebuilding happens, but damn UH looked like a Div. 2A school against UF. The Warriors played with heart, but just couldn't keep up.

Here is Greg Alexander. This is a rare play in which he didn't fumble or throw an interception. He sucked donkey balls the entire game.

Here is Greg McMackin. He left Alexander in until the game was 56-0, even though Inoke Funaki (the most experienced QB Hawaii had available) was ready to play.

"I knew June Jones, and you sir, are no June Jones."

Silver lining for Hawai'i - no one expected them to win, and it wasn't a WAC game.
Still, if these shenanigans continue, it's gonna be a looooong year for the 'Bows.
Get your shit together Gregs. Show some god damn pride!!!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO WEDNESDAY

2008-08-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

Who knows where a day disappears to.
So this is the book I'm currently reading.

This book seems to be Karl Pilkington's travel diary. I think it's funny, but I am a sucker for any kind of British comedy.

I think a lot of people that read Happyslapped by a Jellyfish on my recommendation will get a headache and leave me angry messages. Try it, you might like it.

Now let's talk games. More importantly, ending themes.
I am going to give you my top 5 favorite ending themes of all time, because there's nothing better than finishing a great game and being treated to an equally great tune while the credits scroll. Jesus that was a long sentence.

#5 - "Captain Midnight" from The Darkness

I know this is an album track (Tomahawk - Mit Gas), but I have to slide it in somewhere. It feels like this track was written for this game, even though Mit Gas was released 4 years before The Darkness. Brutal game, brutal song.

#4 - "Way To Fall" from Metal Gear Solid 3

From the game that has undoubtedly the greatest opening theme of all time.
No more long sentences. Emotional game. Awesome game. Loss. Loss. Loss.
Pain. Sorrow. Fury. Fear. End. Quite a fitting close to Snake Eater.

#3 - "Piano Theme" from Shenmue

Yes, this is just an interpretation of the main theme that runs throughout the game.
Like Hendrix's "All Around the Watchtower" is just an interpretation of a folk song some faggot wrote. Thanks for the double cliffhanger, Sega. Bring on Shenmue fucking 3!!

Italics are not intentional. I blame internet gnomes.

#2 - "Still Alive" from Portal

Holy shit! Something upbeat. I've raved about Portal here before. This quirky awesome song is the icing on a quirky awesome game. I bet the cake would taste....quawesome.

Fucking gnomes!

#1 - 俺の右手はゴッドハンド from God Hand

This was a no-brainer. God Hand kicks so much ass on so many levels. If you don't like this game, you are either (a. GIANT PUSSY or (b. NAZI.
The ending theme should have been sold on a DVD for $49.99. That's ten bucks cheaper than that piece of shit Gears of War some anonymous people advised me to get a few years ago. "It's epic! Fantastic gameplay! Amazing atmosphere!"

What a load of bull. Fuck that game. Anyway, God Hand wins ending theme of all time with a cool surf/jazz track filled with lyrics like:

Dragon Kick your ass into the Milky Way

Don't act like you don't like a ball buster

My style is impetuous

God power keep my pimp hand strong

The whole song is quotable.

I'm done. Enjoy labor day weekend. Call a cab if you need to, don't fuck around.

TUESDAY MUSIC REVIEW

2008-08-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

Things that this CD is better than:

Traffic on 485

Telemarketers

Electric Bills

McDonalds

Anything by the Beatles

Things that this CD is not better than:

Rubberneck

Hell Below, Stars Above

Yeah, so it's not the old Toadies. But it is still pretty good.
There are a few tracks, like "Song I Hate", that bring that old Toadies sound.

I think a large part of someone's opinion about music is timing. If you can relate the music to something that you are going through, it becomes that much more personal to you. For example, the first time I heard "Tyler", I was in high school. And, like many high schoolers, I had a crush on some girl. The song stayed in my head for a year straight:

I find a window in the kitchen, and I let myself in
Rummage through the refrigerator, find myself a beer
I can't believe I'm really here, and she's lying in that bed
I can almost feel her touch, and her anxious breath

I stumble in the hallway, outside the bedroom door
I hear her call out to me, I hear the fear in her voice
She pulls the covers tighter, I press against the door

I will be with her tonight!

Fuck yeah! I connected with those lyrics. Now that I've grown up and mellowed out a bit, I find it hard to relate to music in the present. But I'm sure that some drama will befall me durante vita, and I'll be able to feel that connection again. Right now, I'm pretty happy, so I'm listening to a lot of pop and Jawaiian music.

Which makes reviewing No Deliverance difficult. Ten years ago, I would have liked this album twice as much. So hurry up and listen before you get too old. It's damn good rock and roll.

MONDAY SPORTS HIATUS

2008-08-25T16:02:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD CORNBREAD WHAT HAPPENED TO FRIDAY MOVIES!!!
I WAS SO PISSED!!
Sorry. Here.

Ahh, yes........Preppies. This movie was not intentionally funny. It wasn't well written, well acted, or well shot. To tell the truth, the girls weren't even that hot.

These are things that my ?? year old mind can fathom after a second viewing.
However, the first time I saw Preppies, I was 11.
None of that shit mattered.

None of my friends had copped real pornography yet. Preppies was as close as Skinemax was going to take us. And the asses, and the titties...they were glorious.

If you ever do happen to find this awful yet awesome movie (ask me how), pay close attention to the scene where the guy licks the glass door. It's very weird.

But seriously, new movies today....they are a bunch of suckass. I would rather have a theater play HBO all day long. Think about it. Since 2000 (ish):

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Deadwood
Rome
Flight of Conchords
The Wire
and now, this beast:

Generation Kill is fucking sick!!!! I don't even like war movies.
I met R. Lee Ermey at a car show, but I think Full Metal Jacket is stupid.
Platoon was stupid.
Saving Private Ryan was stupid.
Thin Red Line. Stupid.
Hamburger Hill. Iwo Jima. Pearl Harbor. Rambo. Mallrats. Behind Enemy at the Gates of Dawn Rising Red Sun of Tears. Stupid.

But GK?

Get some, KR.

Make it back too, fucker. I hear Red Lion has Crown on special.

GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN GAMES

2008-08-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Two mind blowing old school accomplishments this week.

Ikaruga

Shoot em ups aren't really my thing. I loved Thunder Force 3 on Genesis, but I'm not too good at it. Sometimes, you hear about a game that is great AND impossible.
You think, "They say it's great, so it can't be impossible."
Bull.....shit.

Ikaruga is impossible to me. You have to fly this ship around, avoiding black bullets when you're white, and white bullets when you're black. There is so much shit on the screen that sometimes my eyes just give up. I cannot think fast enough to play this game. I've never beaten stage 2 on EASY setting.

This guy beat stage 5 on the normal setting. Playing from both sides of the machine.

Amazing.

Tetris

Now Tetris, that....that was my thing. I still remember how Level 6 was UF colors and Level 9 was FSU colors (on Nintendo). The music is with me until death. I played the shit out of Tetris on NES and Game Boy. I was pretty good, I guess. I saw the spaceship take off, had all the high scores, beat 9-5 (you Tetris players understand)....etc.

But once I reached over 100 lines I died very quickly.
This person doesn't seem to have that problem.

What the fuck is going on with humans anymore? Robots, I tell ya.

One more thing.

Madden 2009 was released last week. This means that it is now time for everyone to go buy Madden 2008 for $19.99. Those kids on the bus will think you're slow, but they are spawned from a mixture of algae and dog jism.

IF WE KEEP PAYING $60 FOR ROSTER UPGRADES EA WILL NEVER TRY TO IMPROVE THE GAME!
And I've been saying that since 1998. Don't get me started. I'm warning you!

WEDNESDAY KETCHUP

2008-08-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Quick one here y'all. Working like dog, humping like mosquito.

FRIDAY (MOVIES)

I saw Southland Tales this weekend.

As you can see, it was directed by the guy who did Donnie Darko. I thought Donnie Darko was stupid and pointless. Southland Tales was more of the same. I actually only got about 30 minutes in before I couldn't take any more.
That's saying something, because I watch a lot of shit.

It's too bad, because I always like to see Buffy in things. I can sum this movie up in four words:
Bad David Lynch Impersonation

Can someone tell me why Justin Timberlake is in every other fucking movie nowadays?
I give this movie two thumbs up Buffy's ass, and one in Timberlake's. It sucked.

MONDAY (SPORTS)

Sports are currently closed for maintenance. Please come back in 2 weeks.

"Fuck you, baseball!"

TUESDAY (MUSIC)

New Toadies came out on Tuesday. I am a huge fan of the band. Expect a review next week, because I haven't listened to the new shit yet. I hope it's not gay.

In the meantime, check out "Send You To Heaven" - an unreleased Toadies song from 199something. I really like this song, and like to imagine the scenario it paints.
In the event that you are ever on trial for murdering a hitchhiker, your defense should simply be "BEATLES AND THE STONES THE STONES AND THE BEATLES".

Send You to Heaven

So, that leaves what? Books? I have a feeling the books are not gonna make it.
Maybe I'll change Wednesday to Food and Drink. In the meantime:

My friend Melissa gave me this book.(Mahalo!) This is no bullshit. More people should read it, especially anyone with unnecessary ambition. I found this book more useful and inspiring than any religious text.

THURSDAY GAMES

2008-08-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

Hello all. There will be no Friday movie review or Monday sports section this week.
I'll be Carolina et Florida inter in tranistu.
What? That doesn't make sense, you say? So what.
Everyone has a favorite Latin quote. Is yours carpe diem? That's weaksauce.
My favorite Latin quote is:

Today's featured game is......

This is a gem of a game! Fun for up to four people, under any circumstance!
A simple premise, but chock full of strategic opportunities and tactical ad.......

You know what.

I can't lie to myself anymore.

Everyone was right.

This game sucks. Big time.

Fuck Feed the Kitty.

WEDNESDAY BOOK

2008-08-13T14:38:00.001-07:00

Read this book.
It's a mindfuck.
Probably take a few weeks.
Very well written.
Evokes real emotion and all that shit.
That's all I got for today.

GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TUESDAY

2008-08-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

Ooh ooh ooh, I love music.

That's right folks, today I get to review one of all time favorite albums:

Before you ask - no, this is not a joke. And no, I'm not just saying I like Milli Vanilli to be ironic, like some hipster faggot. I don't have time to pretend to like things. Fuck hipsters. How do they make tight pants sag? On second thought, I don't want to know.

Anyway, this was my shit in 6th grade, and it's my shit today. It's one of the greatest Pop/R&B albums of all time.

Do I care that Fabulous Fab and Heartthrob Rob were impostors? No, I don't fucking care. Here's why:

It's pop music. And if Ron Pearlman (and South Park) taught us anything, it's that pop music is about marketing.

Fab and Rob were the marketing. But the music was good. And Charles Shaw could fucking sing, man.
In my opinion, it's less phony than today's pop music, which keeps rolling out 17 year olds with computer voices. Wanna know what C3PO sounds like when he's busting a nut? Turn on the radio.

It's fucked.

I can't think about pop music without feeling a bit like Patrick Bateman.

Consider "Blame It On The Rain". It's a tune about loss and responsibility, and how easy it is to give up on relationships - often citing some unseen force. Refuting Sade's 1988 claim that "Love is Stronger than Pride", Milli Vanilli reminds us blaming fate will absolve us of all accountability, thus keeping our own sense of pride intact. The song is really quite an astute observation of mankind's inability to love, and be loved, without reservation."

Anyone interested can post a request in the comments. I'll up "Girl You Know It's True" just for you. My treat.

Don't say I never gave y'all nothing.
Rest in peace, Rob Pilatus.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11

2008-08-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Let's talk about the Olympics!
Actually, just the basketball game, in which USA crushed China 101-70.
Crushed!! You like that, China? World superpower my ass.

That's Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, Chris Paul, and LeBron James. I'm sure even non-NBA fans know who this guys are. Say hello to the TEAM USA back court. I'm pretty sure these guys could play 4 on 5 and still bring home at least a silver.
Of course, those aren't the only superstars on the team. Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, a couple dicks from Utah....the team is stacked. It's really not fair. It hasn't been fair since '92, when the USA launched its first shock and awe campaign.

No team on Earth could beat them. Hell, Jordan beat the Monstars with Bugs Bunny and Porky fucking Pig. He didn't even need the help of Magic, Bird, Robinson, Ewing, Mullin, Drexler, Barkley, Pippen, a couple dicks from Utah, and Christian Lae......

Hold on just one second.

Christian Laettner? Was on the fucking dream team? Oh my god.

I take it all back. The Olympics are fair. Now, has anyone seen Jason Kidd recently?

Sorry I asked.

NFL PRESEASON PART 2 - GAOOO STILLERZZ!!!!

This is last post I make about preseason. Because preseason is only good for one thing, and that's seeing your draft picks play. Last week I saw Colt, and I'm glad he did well.
But I could really give two shits about the Redskins. Like the rest of the NFC, they are not on my mind. If an NFC team makes it to the Superbowl and loses to Pittsburgh, I don't hate them. (Cowboys) If an NFC team makes it to the Superbowl and beats Pittsburgh, I don't hate them. (Cowboys)

As far as I'm concerned, AFC/NFC rivalries don't exist. (Unless you are Seattle, who got booted out of the AFC. They might still have some hard feelings for KC and Denver. But I hear that Seahawks fans are good at letting things go).

But I digress. As a football fan, you are obligated to do 2 things.
1. Love your team.
2. Hate your rival.

That's really all. So, because the Browns are constantly the laughingstock of the NFL (and they are truly pathetic; like a one-footed pigeon with a broken wing), should I look upon them with a bit of sympathy?

Fuck no. I should look upon them with disgust and hatred, and smash them for making me feel that way.

"I just hate losing to the Steelers." Ha. Ha. Ha. I hate cleaning my bathroom, but I do that twice a year too. You should be used to it by now.

Anyway, the youngsters looked good. Backup QB Batch got injured, which sucks, but we still got Big Ben. The defense is solid as ever, and the backfield looks ridiculous.

See you in September.

SORRY, I WUZ OUT OF TOWN

2008-08-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

Who am I apologizing to? Look, ho - I was in the wilderness.
Looks like you missed book day and video game day.
I'll give y'all a few quick shots - last book plus last game I finished.

BOOKS OF BLOOD VOL. 1-3 by Clive Barker

I had read this book before, I think about 5 years ago. This is a collection of short stories (16 in all). Some are better than others obviously. They are all really fucked up, though. Leave this on your mesa de noche and find out what fabulous nightmares you can have. I won't reveal any spoilers, but I will suggest that you read "Dread" and "In the Hills, the Cities" first. If you can feel normal after those, than the rest of the book should be an easy read.
If you are a pussy do not read this book. It will scare you.

PORTAL by Valve Software (Part of The Orange Box) PC/360/PS3

This is a First Person Puzzle game, I guess. You are the armless dude with the weird gun. It's the Portal gun. Shoot with the left button to open a blue portal - the entrance. Shoot with right button to open an orange portal - the exit. You are trying to make it through a training course.

That's it.

Well, no, that's not even close to it.
Portal makes you think. Some levels are easy, while some seem damn near impossible.
Then you have an epiphany and say something to yourself like "Momentum, motherfucker". There is a plot, too, and it's better than most. Are the events in Portal a tongue-in-cheek criticism of corporate cubicleism? Uhh.....maybe.
Pay the 29 bucks and get the Orange Box. You even get a few other games to play after you beat Portal.

So today is movie day, right? Okay then. I JUST FOUND THE STEELERS GAME ON STOOGETV SO THIS IS GONNA BE QUICK.

I liked this movie. It was very slow. There was a lot of staring. I swear, at one point, I watched about 10 straight minutes of a river. Just a river.
Still, I liked it.
BYE

TUESDAY MUSIC REVIEW

2008-08-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Tuesday. Time to talk tunes. Today, I have a review and a list for you.

I picked up this little number at Target (of all places!) last month. Tech is the kind of artist that flies under the radar (aka under-marketed), so it's not too uncommon for a new album to sneak up on the world.
Usually, after artists have been in the game for a decade or two, their new material gets pretty lackluster. You can hear the contractual obligation in the music, save for one or two good tracks they've been saving as an album life jacket. (See: Digi Snax) That being said, I applaud Tech N9ne for his hard work on this double CD. Each disc has 16 tracks, with only two short skits per disc. I normally hate skits on albums, but these are at least relevant to the songs they precede, so the flow isn't broken.
However, 32 tracks is a lot of songs, and they are not all winners. Being co-owner of Strange Music, Tech likes to put other Strange rappers all over his recent albums. Sometimes they shine, but usually they just get murdered on the track by Tecca-Nina. Take the 16 best cuts of this album and you would have a classic CD.

Highlights and Lowlights

Pretty much all of disc 1 is really good. Track 3, "Wheaties", features Shawnna, so I immediately skip over that one. Too bad, because Tech has a really good verse, but I just can't listen to female rappers. "Get the Fuck Outta Here" feat. The Popper and Paul Wall is bad too. But seeing the name Paul Wall should've given you a clue. God damn, this guy is a terrible rapper. He sounds fucking retarded.
"They mad at me 'cause I'm the shit/while they just shit
and I get up off my ass and get it/while they just sit" - Paul Wall

I think, Mr. Wall, they mad at you because you suck/yeah you just suck.

The rest of disc 1 is pretty solid, my favorite track being "Psycho Bitch II".
On disc 2 Tech deals with very personal subject matter, as he has been known to do on previous albums("This Ring", "The Rain"). Problems with the wife, his own infidelities, drug abuse, and depression are some themes. It's not necessarily a fun disc, but it is deep. I applaud Tech for continuing to wear his heart on his sleeve. These plastic radio MCs could learn a thing or two from Tech N9ne about the meaning of "keeping it real". If you have ten mansions, ten Bentleys, and a yacht like you say you do - you're a selfish motherfucker that deserves to be robbed. If you have a diamond encrusted plate around your neck with YOUR FUCKING NAME ON IT - you are stupid and someone should snatch it from your neck and beat you with it.

This CD is good, at least as good as Everready. Another strong effort by Tech N9ne.

Psycho Bitch II

LIST: 10 MOST HATED SONGS

Feel free to add yours in the comments.

10. Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Never rhyme "rage" and "cage" - unless it's something like "I played Streets of Rage with Nicolas Cage".

9. Superstition - Stevie Wonder
I'm no racist or blindist, but I hate this fucking song. The bass line sounds like two fattys fart-fucking.

8. Stan - Eminem
I hate most everything Eminem does, but this is the worst. So, you wrote a song about a fan who writes you a letter, and this fan thinks you are supercool. Then he dies or something because you won't be his butt buddy...GET OVER YOURSELF. You sampled Dido, too. And didn't you perform this live with Elton John? For a homophobe, Em, you are a pretty gay dude.

7. By the Way - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Flea: "Let's write a song about standing in line!"
Kiedis: "How exciting! I should do my little rapping thing that I do as well!"
Flea: "Cha-ching! VH1 here we come...again!"
Frusciante: "Someone help me find a vein please...."

6. TIE: Tears of a Clown - Smokey Robinson and
Stop in the Name of Love - The Supremes
Every time I hear Tears of a Clown, I have to piss. It's very annoying, and it's been that way since I was a youngin'.
Stop in the Name of Love is not a bad song, but I can't hear it without imagining that fucking dance. Oh how I hate that dance.

5. I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston

80's pop-synth trash at its most unbearable. Even giving Whitney the benefit that "dance with somebody" really means "have sex with somebody", this song cannot get a pass. It's just too god damn awful.

4. Take it Easy - The Eagles
"Come on baaaaaaaaby.....don't say maaaaaaaaybe..." - stop. Just stop. What exactly is "loosening your load", anyway? Are you constipated, fucker?
I saw an episode of Cheaters where a man caught his fiance banging some guy in a flower delivery van. The bitch was seven kinds of crazy. The man cried and then took his girl back. His favorite song was Take it Easy.

3. Close to You - The Carpenters
This one is really bad. I would be embarrassed to write these lyrics in a kindergarten valentine. I've heard Jawaiian songs with more mature subject matter. They should have just sang "Goo goo gaaa gaaa hee hee buhbuhbuhbuh". IT'S BABY SHIT!!

2. Play That Funky Music White Boy - Wild Cherry
Wow, I had to look up the artist. I don't know much about Wild Cherry, but they can all burn in hell for shoving this turd of a song down our throats. Listen, I'm a pretty reserved person. I don't complain at restaurants no matter how bad the food sucks, or even if I got somebody else's meal. I just roll with the punches, and let fate guide me along. If I'm somewhere where there's a DJ "performing", I will listen to "In the Club" ten times in a row and not say shit. But if the DJ puts this garbage....this fucking tumor of a song in rotation, I have no choice. I have to walk over to the booth and very politely tell him, "This song sucks".

1. Come Together - The Beatles
To beat out Wild Cherry for the #1 spot was no easy task. Then again, this is no ordinary song. This song sucks so much that not only do I hate it, but I hate anyone who likes it. Yeah, The Beatles are not my cup of tea. However, I do think that they have some good songs, like "Oh Darling" and.....and...well, they have at least one good song. This is not a case of Beatle-bias here. This is just a reward for being the most inane, insipid, stupid, retarded, uncreative, piece of bullshit in the world. He's got feet below his knees, you say? Get the fuck outta town! One and one and one is three? I had no idea! The music is minimalist in this track, obviously to let you focus on the awesome lyrics. Toejam football? Joo-joo eyeball? Wow, these guys must have been on a lot of WEED to think of these zany phrases. At least bands like Radiohead mumble their gobbledegook so you can't make it out. And who exactly does Paul? John? George? (not sure who sings this one) want to "Come together" over him? Band orgy, perhaps?
You know what? Fuck the Beatles. I would say thanks to Yoko, but she's a dumb bitch too.

Well, that's the list. Comments are welcome, but I'm sure no one reads this shit anyway. I win!

MONDAY - SPORTS

2008-08-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

NFL PRESEASON - REDSKINS AND COLT

Haha, see what I did there? Last night marked the first steps in the return of the NFL for yet another season. Thank fucking god. Summer is always the worst. After the NBA Finals end, we are stuck with 3 months of SHIT.
"What about baseball?" - Fuck you too. The MLB season is just a long gay soap opera. In the summer, ESPN is completely unwatchable. I'll save the ESPN bashing for another post, though. Today is Colt Brennan's day.

God that is some shitty quality. Sorry, it's all I could find. But you get the idea.
9/10, a few touchdowns, a few perfect passes. Of course, it came against a bunch of scabs that may not even make the Colts practice squad, but who cares. Brennan showed a national audience what UH fans already knew. Give the man 3 seconds, and he will cut the defense to shreds. Don't mention Georgia. I'm not going to make excuses, but don't.....ever....mention....Georgia. The Sugar Bowl was the equivalent of being chained to a truck-stop bathroom urinal, having to watch your wife be raped and golden showered by every dirty rig driver that walks in.

Anyway, I hope this is some small vindication for Colt. Say what you want about June Jones, but it was Brennan and the dreadheads that made football relevant in Hawai'i, if only for a season. In 2006, I couldn't give away my ticket to a UH game. In 2007, I couldn't make it through the throng of fans to my seat.
A the end of the 2006 season, Brennan was being touted as a first round lock in the NFL draft. But he stayed in Hawai'i for his senior season. "My heart lies right here in Hawaii." is what he said. He wanted to help the school win the WAC championship in 2007, and that's exactly what he did. There's a reason Colt Brennan is the most beloved haole in Hawai'i.
This year's draft came and went, and UH was not represented well. Rivers, Grice Mullen, and Bess; not a one drafted. What the fuck? (Luckily, Bess got signed as a FA by the Dolphins, and RGM with the Bears. Not sure where, if anywhere, Rivers is now).
Brennan, big time prospect in '07, wasn't drafted until the 6th round in '08. Props to the 'Skins for picking him up, and woe to the rest of the NFC East. Todd Collins, leave your jersey number on the way out. It was never yours to begin with. Jason Campbell - watch out. You better not even get the flu this year.
The NFL is coming back and I'm all tingly again.

FRIDAY IS MOVIE DAY

2008-08-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

The weekend is here, and you might want to watch a few flicks. Or you might not. Either way, it's Friday so here's with the fucking movies. Today I bring you a short rundown of 2 of the greatest movies of all time.

SAMURAI COP

You get the idea. The action is non-stop. If you watch this movie sober, it will make you high. If you watch this movie high, you will swear it's 100 times better than Lethal Weapon. It is. And I am.

The dialogue is equally awesome - you'll be quoting this movie for the rest of your life.

"It's up and ready. You just keep it warm." Hell yeah.

PEKING MAN (Not to be confused with Mighty Peking Man)

I won't ruin the plot, because I don't know if there is one. It has something to do with the Japanese government doing some in-vitro on a spaceship, which creates a Neanderthal man and woman. There is a cave involved, and....uh....track and field....the Chinese want them.....wooly mammoth; fuck it, I have no clue. This movie is not about making sense. It's about retarded caveman lingo and nice cavewoman titties.

There you go. Now it is your task, as the reader, to find these gems. This is not hard for anyone who knows how to use google and spell the word t-o-r-r-e-n-t. But if you find yourself confused (like Peking Man), I might find it in my heart to help you. Because that's what the infranet is all about. UPAR!!!!!

THURSDAY IS VIDEO GAME DAY

2008-07-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

And I'd like to say a few words about Soul Calibur 4.
It kicks ass.
Although the single player experience is a little tedious (it is a fighting game after all), and I can't seem to connect to any games over XBOX LIVE, I still love it. Against a friend in your living room, this is one hell of a game. I haven't felt this way about a fighting game since...well, since Soul Calibur on Dreamcast. So here's a Gamepro type review:

Graphics - Fucking badass.
Gameplay - Fucking badass.
Sound - Fucking badass.

I also love the Create-a-Soul feature, where you can make your own fighters and adorn them with some seriously weird equipment. If you have a favorite hero or villain from a comic, movie, or TV series, chances are that you can make a pretty decent representation of them in Soul Calibur 4. I made Gozu.

Many people are excited about having Star Wars characters in the game (Yoda and Vader), and I'm sure that their inclusion will bring new fans into the Soul Calibur universe. Yoda, in my opinion, sucks. He reminds me of Gon from Tekken 3 - kind of a pain in the ass. But damn if he doesn't look just like the real thing. And, if you're like me (not a Yoda fan), don't worry. There are over 20 other characters to choose from, not counting the additional 50 you can create yourself. Soul Calibur is the best 3d fighter on PS3 and 360 to date.